Pirates aim to please by signing javelin throwers

The Pirates signed two javelin throwers from India today to pitch in our minor league system. 

In defending his decision to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on two men who didn’t even know the Pittsburgh Pirates, much less baseball, existed on planet Earth a year ago, majority owner Bob Nutting stated:

“I look at it this way: the club needs cheap housing over the next five years while we rebuild and the Patels own 9,000 Motel6’s coast-to-coast; and secondly,” Nutting stopped talking to lick his chops, “I need a new revenue stream and to be quite honest, there are more Singh and Patel’s in that country than the population of Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York combined.  if I can get just 20% of them to tune into Pirates baseball…”

Bud Selig intends to announce after Thanksgiving that the Pirates will play their first ten road games in Calcutta in 2011.  In order to seat the player’s families, Selig has announced a partnership with BuildEmBig Construction Company to move Salt Lake Stadium there next to Eden Stadium so they can be joined.  The new stadium will seat 250,000 fans per game and the Pirates would receive half the revenue from all sales guaranteeing them their first two-million ticket sales since 2001, the year PNC Park opened.

Ok.. I’m done teasing about the signings.  I do wish them well even though it doesn’t sound like it. 

But only in Pittsburgh does this stuff happen.  Only in Pittsburgh.

–

Doumit for a Porcello package and we’ll throw in Wilson for 1,000 World Series tickets to each game to distribute to Pirates fans as long as the Tigers eat his salary and change his diapers.

–

Fast facts…

– the shorter time a player had been in the majors, the more likely he was to receive slower pitches from the Pirates staff the last two years.  To put that another way, the longer a player is in the league, the higher the probability he was getting all the gas available from our pitchers.

– from the bizarre reel, the faster a pitch is thrown by Pirates pitchers, the higher the probability of it being a strike the last two years.